i need warmth

i tried writing a blog on oct. 11th, but never finished it. im having to start over now.

the past month has been kind of a blur. it started off with adam's birthday. he came up with his parents and we spent the weekend celebrating. his parents stayed with his brother, just around the corner from little five points. it was really hard for me to drive past several times and not hang out. greg - do you remember the time we went with dave, thomas, and justin? fun times. adam isnt a fan of his birthday, but i did my best to make a deal out of it b/c i love birthdays and think they should always be celebrated. it was a good weekend.

a few days later was one of the best experiences ive had in a while. jill came up for a few days and we went together to the catalyst conference. it was amazing. there were over 12,000 people there this year. i think that was a record. we heard some amazing people speak. there were many tears. God showed up. what can i say? as usual, im changed b/c of it. it was good to see jill, too, b/c we hadnt seen each other in almost a year. romeo was also glad to see her :).

the weekend after that i headed down to savannah to sing in a friend's wedding. it was great to be in savannah, even if for what seemed a moment. the wedding was great, and it was good to see such loving faces. i also celebrated my mom's 58th birthday. i used to think that was old, but if you know my mom, you know she's not old, so...

the weather started to change that weekend. now it's about a week later, and i've been sick ever since i left savannah. i don't remember ever being sick for this long. my head hurts. my ears are stopped up. i've sneezed so much i've probably started what will be a tsunami headed for goodness knows where.

this weekend sucked. i spent - and im not kidding - the entire weekend on the couch. i slept. i blew my nose. i took medicine. i slept again. it was awful. it didnt help that the moments i was awake, all i could think about was the awesome reunion a lot of my friends were having up at milligan. it was homecoming this weekend, and it was my five year reunion. there are so many hearts dear to me i wish i could have seen. oh, to hang out at sub7, hear chris sing, play games and drink shakes! i was really bummed that i couldnt be there. i dont deny that i cried about it.

i feel so weak. i know that no matter where i go in life, what my circumstances are, and who i'm with or without, that God should be enough. but he's not. if i'm really honest about how i feel (feel being an important word here), i dont think that he's enough. im struggling with lonliness a lot. it's been over a week since ive had a hug. don't misunderstand me. i know that God is enough. all im saying is that im in a spot where im struggling to believe that. i am so blessed, and i know it. i thank God for all that he's blessed me with, but i confess that im in a spot of weakness. i believe God wants me where i am, doing what im doing. that doesnt make it easy. and when i think of all the other places in the world God could call me, i recognize that i still have a very cushy life. the things im struggling with here are the same things i struggled with when i went to college for the first time and the things i struggled with when i lived in a foreign country for a summer. i crave warmth. i crave tangible love. i crave meaningful relationships. and i know these things do not magically appear, and that they are things that often take time. i dont feel bad in admitting that i struggle with this. i miss family. i miss the great friends that ive made over the years. i wish i didnt come home everyday by myself. that's all.

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