I didn't realize this video of me dancing had gotten out. I'm the one in the back row.


right.

i used to

i used to be a lot of things.

when i was 15 i was really good at loving people. i was really thoughtful. i went out of my way to do special things for lots of people in my life. i cried with people when they needed to cry. i made people laugh when they were upset. i created gifts from the heart and hoped that person would treasure them as much as i did. i was not so concerned with myself.

i used to be cool. "cool" means different things for everyone; for me it means that i'm not like others. today, sitting at starbucks across from a mall, i feel like everybody else. somehow, i feel like i've lost sight of God's thumbprint on me, telling me that i actually am different from everyone else. i used to feel like i had something to offer the world...something that no one else could give. i am not doubting God's unique design; i still firmly believe that we are all wonderfully and fearfully made... i just can't see my own at the moment.

i used to love God. it's not that i don't any more, but things have changed. what i mean to say is, i used to be really good at loving God (which made me good at loving people unselfishly). and i'm sure that if i still loved God that way and people that way, i'd realize that that isn't even my best offering to my Creator. i don't think that i was doing the best possible job of loving God, but i know i did it with a very honest heart, a very willing heart, a very (what was, for me at the time) sacrificial heart.

i know that in many ways i'm wiser and more mature now than i was at 15, but the 15-year-old me was smarter. loving God is simple. sure, it was probably easier for me to react to God with a child-like faith at 15 b/c i was not so far removed from my own childhood, but i think in recent years i've made my relationship with God too complicated (and perhaps even overly simplified at the same time, if that's possible). it was so easy as a teenager to fall at the feet of Jesus. now, however, even when i want to fall at his feet, i simultaneously feel worldly responsibilities pulling me in multiple directions, and the burdens that i carry pulling me backwards instead of allowing me to fall forward to the ground...prostrate...which is how i prefer to be in front of Jesus...

you know that cheesy church-camp question of, "if you could be anyone in the bible, who would you like to be?" ... my answer has always been the same: one of the children Jesus welcomed in his company.

i've never been one to remember my dreams very well. there are, however, two dreams i remember vividly from my childhood. the first was a nightmare. it involved characters from sesame street. don't ask me why it was scary; i loved that show, but the dream haunts me even today. the second dream i remember is one i will remember into my very old age. if i ever have alzheimer's, this dream is something i will still know and talk about. i was probably about 4. at the time, i didn't understand the difference between a dream and a memory, so the way i explained it to my mom was that i actually "remembered" this event; i remember believing that i had had this experience. maybe i did. the dream was very simple. it was spring-time sunny with beautiful clouds, a fantastically cool breeze, and i was on the greenest hillside i've ever known. i was surrounded by about a dozen or so other children. we were jumping around, giggling, chasing each other... it was lovely. and at the center of it all was jesus. and he was one of us. i mean, he was the grown-up-bearded with a white robe jesus, like the pictures i saw hanging on the wall in sunday school, but he was playing with us and loving it.

that's where i want to be. literally? sure. but figuratively as well. it's not that i've taken some drastically horrible turn in my life that's cut me off from God. it's just... i've lost sight of his thumbprint b/c i've lost sight of Him. the amazing and beautiful thing about God is that i don't have to do anything majorly different to change my focus. i know He's here. i know He knows what i'm thinking and feeling, and i know He welcomes my heart, and that is the most comforting thing.

lent is coming up. i don't always participate in giving up something. i only do it if i feel the need or call to. this year i feel both the need and the call. i've decided to give up all drinks except for water. john 4:13 - Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." this is from when Jesus was talking to the samaritan woman at the well. he knew she had been unfaithful to her husbands, but he welcomed her to be faithful to God. i need to be reminded of where my breath comes from and where i can find the reason to love people around me with God's love, which doesn't run out. i need to be reminded of not just my daily need for Jesus, but my hour to hour, my minute to minute need for Him.

if you've not experienced God's love, none of this will make sense to you. there's no way for you to know Him unless you allow Him to love you. and He's a gentleman. my ignoring God is a decision, and he will allow me to make those decisions; love is not love if it forced.

and so He waits. He waits on me. He waits on you. may we both answer the call.

the blindside...we've all got one

if you know me you know i'm a sucker for true stories - especially when they involve teenagers. today adam treated me to a movie and we saw The Blindside. it has been a very long time since i've seen a movie that affected me as much as this one. i'm not going to go on and on about it, and i'm not going to write a movie review or anything like that. i just want to say that leigh ann tuohy is now one of my heroes, and i hope to be like her someday. i really appreciated that at the heart of this movie was a lesson on how to be more like jesus, and that's what i'm after. i know kids like michael oher, and i hope i'm brave enough to love them, love on them, and teach them to love.

my morning workout

apparently this is what i'll be like as a mom...

Brooke Shields in Playground Tales from Brooke Shields

i'm engaged (!!)

"have a fun drive home. and don't worry. God's got someone in mind for you. i asked him to. " -greg, a note left to me on my car several years ago...

on march 28th, 2008 i went on a date with a boy named adam. i didn't really think it was going to go anywhere. i mean, he was cute and all, but seriously...

then we just kept dating. and i kinda tried to get rid of him a few times, but it didn't work. and i'm really glad it didn't work. really, really glad. you see, as much as i think i know what's best for me, i know that God knows better. and most of you know how long i've pined for romance, relationship, partnership, etc... there are about three or four of you who heard me say at one point or another, "i would never date adam johnson" or "i will not marry him"...

never say never.

God knows better than i do, and i'm thankful for that. i have fallen in love with a man who is wonderful. he's not perfect, but neither am i. and frankly, he seems willing to put up with me, so how can i say no to that? he's officially agreed to a "complicated order." we both love God, trust God, and rely on God for wisdom. this relationship has been deeply blessed, and in the last year i've learned a lot about the fruit of the spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control).

i'm absolutely convinced that it will take me a lifetime to truly understand this word "love" and i'm very happy to have found someone who's willing to take that journey with me.

adam probably first mentioned marriage some time around the end of last summer. i thought he was crazy. i wasn't convinced. as time went by, however, my heart changed. by christmas we agreed that we wanted to get married.

we looked at rings at the end of december. well, to be honest, i endured what felt like some form of cruel torture in the following months. we live five hours apart and see each other once every two to three weeks, so every time we see each other is exciting. add on top of that the "is he going to ask today" feeling and it was almost miserable sometimes. guys, don't torture girls like this. and adam certainly didn't mean to, but...dang...it was rough. it didn't help that four of my friends got engaged during the time period i was waiting for my turn... in the end though...it was worth it :)

we went out for dinner last thursday night to celebrate our one year anniversary. i had asked to go to the salt water grille because that was where we had our first date. he picked me up around 7. i had already convinced myself that he wasn't going to propose during spring break, so i didn't think it was going to happen. when we got out of the car though, i noticed something strange. i was walking with my left side close to the row of parked cars. despite the massive space on my right, adam wedged himself between the cars and me (for some reason my brain can't decide if that's grammatically correct...). then, when the waitress was seating us i was walking with my left side next to a wall, so i expected adam to join me on the right. he wasn't there! i glanced around my shoulder to find him walking single file, directly behind me as if we were kindergarteners on our way to the lunchroom. at this point i allowed myself to hope that he had a ring in his pocket and he was trying to hide it. i didn't dare say anything. after dinner he suggested we go down to the marina back at coffee bluff; i loved this idea, but wanted to change clothes first.

we headed back to my parents house. we got out of the car and made our way up the driveway. adam stopped me and hugged me. and then, quite to my surprise, he whispered in my ear, "will you marry me?" now, i had been waiting to hear that question for...oh...twenty something years...but i didn't want to feel dumb if for some reason this wasn't the official proposal, so i paused, thought it over for a second, and then casually said something like, "yeah. sure..." (this part's a bit blurry) adam then backed slightly away, got down on one knee, pulled out a ring, and repeated the question.

what??? are you serious? are you serious?? are you SERIOUS??? i said that about three or four times before it sank it that he really was asking me. i was expecting him to ask down at the marina, so he did manage to catch me off guard. i said yes!!! we hugged, kissed, and he placed the ring on my finger. funny side note about the ring - it was really dark and i couldn't see it :) it wasn't until we got up to the door and the flood light came on that i saw it - and it's gorrrrrrrrrgeous!

i asked if we could keep the news to ourselves for a night, and i'm glad we did. it was kinda fun to walk around with this great secret.

friday afternoon we shared the news with adam's parents and they were very excited. we went to dinner at my parents' house later that night. b/c we're a bit cruel, sick you might say, we didn't say anything to my family. we just waited for someone to notice the ridiculous ring on my finger. erik, my brother, noticed it first. nikkie, my sister-in-law was second. then the puns began. "how was dinner last night? icy?" "how's your bling break going?" it was hysterical. fun times.

after dinner we began the phone call party. it was a lot of fun.

and now, a week later, i'm still having lots of fun talking about it. my kids at school freaked out. now they're all confused about what to call me. mrs. reagan? mrs. johnson? so we had to have a little lesson on how that all works. a few kids were sad b/c they won't be able to call me LoSeR anymore. i told them they still could if they really wanted to.

we haven't set a date yet, but when we do, you'll know about it.

a special thanks to my close friends. i've driven some of you just about crazy talking about how i wanted to find "the right guy" and blah blah blah. you guys have loved me through this search, and i really appreciate it.

those of you who are married, adam and i welcome your advice and wisdom. i love you guys and can't wait to share this special day with you all.

love
laura sue